Uncanny eXfest V: The Case of the Utterly Despicable

One day removed from the 2015 eXfest, and despite the crowd's unfavorable reaction to a few of the films shown, I can't help but feel that this was the strongest Exploitation Festival yet. If you don't agree with that sentiment, I'm sure you can at least agree that it was the most challenging group of films & shorts that Harry and the gang at Exhumed Films has ever put together. Let's get to it!

11:00am: Prizes and announcements.
Dan announced their June show, which is a Massacre Triple Feature of Meat Clever Massacre, Mardi Gras Massacre and Drive-In Massacre. I'm sure it'll be a fun-filled romp.

11:15am: Action/crime fan favorite from an iconic director
-Assault on Precinct 13 (1976 Dir. John Carpenter)
I think most of us were surprised that they started with such a well known film, but I had no complaints as I'd never seen Precinct 13, and this was the best way to experience it for a first time.
It's a bit of an odd film, but it just screams Carpenter, which is probably why it's beloved. I honestly don't see how Precinct 13 is an exploitation film, and I welcome someone to explain it to me.

1:00pm: Kung Fu Comedy never released theatrically, on VHS, or DVD
-Ninja Busters (1984 Dir. Paul Kyriazi)
This. Was. A delight. Ninja Busters is one of those films that you can't believe IS an actual film. It's for people who're fans of the Kung Fu classic Miami Connection, as these two would make a perfect stoner double feature.
I don't remember there being much of a story; Ninja Busters is 70 minutes of montages, with 20 minutes of plot on the side.

2:45pm: Infamous exploitation drama/character study - animal lovers be warned!
-Born to Die aka Cockfighter (1974 Dir. Monte Hellman)

Are ya havin' a good time, audience? A fun shoot-em-up, followed by a wacky Ninja romp? Well, here's a heaping spoonful of graphic animal violence for you. Swallow it whole.
Born to Die is the "Over The Top" of professional cock fighting movies, except featuring up close, slow motion footage of roosters clawing & pecking each other to death, instead of greasy, swollen, arm wrestling men. So both films are equally offensive when you think about it.
The juxtaposition of Born to Die is that it's actually a good movie, outside of the bloodshed. A bluray with an edited version(as well as the unedited original), ala Cannibal Holocaust, would be much appreciated.
As the film ran, I noticed more and more people leaving the theater for it's remaining duration, and I noticed that the young lady behind me had been crying as the lights came on.
Challenging and sadistic? Yes! Quality story and well acted? Yes! Did I keep confusing Harry Dean Stanton with William Devane? ...yes.

4:15pm: Cheech & Chong's Basketball Jones
What the actual fuck.

4:30pm: Silly sexploitation spoof
-Flesh Gordon (1974 Dir. Michael Benveniste & Howard Ziehm)
It's hilarious to realize that the Flash Gordon porn parody pre-dates the 1980 schlock epic by six years, and then you realize how much better Flesh would've been had it been based off the movie, rather than the '50s serial.
I talked this over with my buddy Phil, and we both agreed that nobody over the age of 13 would've used this as any adult would with real pornography. It's funny to think of Flesh Gordon as a Porn Starter Kit for some 8th grader who's just hitting puberty.

6:00pm: Italian action/crime movie
-Street Law (1974 Dir. Enzo G. Castellari)
I watched the first ten minutes. I watched the last ten minutes.
Street Law had an awesome score, from what little of it I heard.

The only downside to eXfest is that it usually falls on the first beautiful, non-rainy weekend of the year. I took this time to go for a nice walk, returning to the theater just in time for some rape/revenge antics.

8:00pm: Trashy, bizarre exploitation film that somewhat defies categorization
-Black Vengeance aka Poor Pretty Eddie(1975 Dir. Richard Robinson & David Worth)
Black Vengeance is a disjointed, but fun, blaxploitation/hixsploitation "black woman lost in the woods and kidnapped by local yocals" film.
While it was enjoyable in an eXfest setting, most people were annoyed that there was little to no actual black vengeance. I mean, she shoots her attacker after he'd already been shot-up by someone else. This film should've been titled "Black Closing the Barn Door after the Cows got Out."
A rape/revenge film is less satisfying when it lacks the key revenge aspect. Imagine Last House on the Left and I Spit on You Grave w/o the final act killing sprees? Without those scenes, you're left with revenge blue balls(and whatever the female equivalent is).

9:45pm: Sleazy, perverse, and unpleasant thriller
-Forced Entry (1975 Dir. Jim Sotos)
Nothing pleases an audience more than following up a rape/revenge film with an even worse rape/revenge film.
I noticed quite a few people leaving during the first on-screen murder, and then even more heading out when you disturbingly see the corpse's face during the aftermath. Sleazy, perverse and unpleasant indeed.
This was the only film of the day that a large portion of the audience "booed" as the credits rolled, just in case you wondered how people felt about this one. I'm interested in finding out what the Exhumed Films guys thought of those boos.
Apparently, this is a toned-down remake of a hardcore porn "roughie," of the same name, from 1973. Just for fun, here's the great Tanner Otoobach reviewing the hardcore version of Forced Entry.

11:00pm: 15 minutes of XXX hardcore porn trailers. Lots and lots of suckin' & fuckin'.

11:15pm: Transgressive streetwalker saga from a beloved/reviled filmmaker
-The Girls of 42nd Street (1973 Dir. Andy Milligan)
Ah, Andy Milligan. A favorite among the Exhumed Films crowd. I'm personally not a huge fan, but I did like this film.
'Girls' is the other side of the softcore coin. While softcore classics like Flesh Gordon are made to be silly and make teen boys laugh, Girls of 42nd Street was the type of film that Mom & Dad would turn on after you've gone to bed. They'd pay an extra $5 a month to the cable company, and get access to the Adult Entertainment. Romance ensued.
Nine months later, I was born. Thanks, Suburban Cable.
Interesting fact, Laura Cannon, who plays Dusty Cole in 'Girls,' also appears in the hardcore version Forced Entry. Coincidence?
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I had to leave halfway through the last movie, but I pretty much enjoyed every film that was screened this year. I reiterate this was Exhumed Films strongest eXfest to date, and I look forward to what they have in store for the rest of the year.

My thoughts on It Follows

Hipster Trash.
This is exactly how one my two friends described It Follows, as we walked through the concession area of the multiplex, being engulfed by a trove of people who had just finished watching Furious 7 at the same time our film finished.
I said that I had no qualms with her disliking the film, as that's anybody's prerogative, but I had no idea where she was coming from with the "hipster" description. Apparently, she doesn't seem to be alone in this thought, as I've noticed a few others since then also describing It Follows with the same jargon.

I was fortunate enough to walk into It Follows knowing nothing about the story. I trust my horror brethren(and sisteren), and when they say SEE THIS FILM IN THEATERS, I try my best to do my part. Sadly, it would be several weeks before it was playing within a 100 mile radius of me, but that wait was well worth it.

I loved this movie. I was drawn in right from the opening moments, and stayed there, eyes glued to the screen, as the end credits rolled. I don't want to go into too much detail about the movie itself, so I'll use one word to describe the feeling i had while watching it: dread.
It Follows is dripping with dread, and it was glorious.

I think the trailers that preceded the main feature really helped in making it look good, because they were piss poor. Some soulless scary kid flick, Insidious 3, a weak looking Poltergeist remake and some shot-on-Skype dreck called Unfriended* had me dreading the future of my favorite genre. Mainstream horror really has become stagnant and lazy, with the last really good horror film I remember seeing in theaters was The Conjuring. This is exactly the reason why we need to support a movie like this when it comes along in theaters.

Luckily, it seems It Follows is doing well enough, although I wish it was pulling in more people, like that overrated snoozefest Paranormal Activity did several years ago.

One problem here, though, is that It Follows will probably bore/go over the head of the average movie goer. It's not flashy, fast paced or in your face with jump scares. No, instead, it has a solid pace that keeps you wondering where It will come from next, and when It does show up OHMYFUCKINGGODRUNFORYOURLIFE. Great stuff.

Happily, I was not the only person who thought "This is totally a John Carpenter joint" while sitting in the theater. Everything from the pace, camera work, and the score(which I'm currently listening to) will remind you of Carpenter's early work.

I would go into more detail, but I want to keep this spoiler free. Come October, I'll go into more detail and theories for 31 Days of Horror.

Quick bullet points:
-It Follows reminded me of The Ring, which you'll understand if you've seen both films.
-I very much enjoyed the cast, and the way they were written. They were dumb kids, but not in an obnoxious way. Just dumb because "Hey We're Teens" lacking life experience, and we can't call the Ghostbusters to fight this malevolent spirit(or whatever It is).
-It Follows has a timeless/throwback feel to it, but one girl was using this odd clamshell shaped eReader or iPod Touch. I'd like more info on that, like why that bit of advanced tech was in a film that was obviously striving to feel older?
-I felt very claustrophobic while watching this, because of the situation of the main character. Did anyone else feel this way, or was that just me?
-I seriously doubt any guy who takes a girl to see this on a first date is getting laid that night. Or that month.



*if Unfriended makes any money, movies as an art form are dead. 

Exhumed Films Week: Memories

Exhumed Films week idea "borrowed" by the great people over at Dr. Terror's Blog of Horrors

This week brings us two momentous moments for localized horror: it is Exhumed Films 14th birthday and this coming weekend is their 5th annual 24 hour Horrorthon, the latter being an event that many cannot shut the hell up about. It must really suck for some of non-horror fans(I have one friend in particular who booed me the other day for bringing it up for the umpteenth time).
To celebrate the two grand occasions, I have decided to chronicle a few my own personal highs & lows of my past experiences with the events, and not just the horrorthons, but all the double features I've gone to since 2008.









                    













-Interestingly enough, my first experience with Exhumed FIlms happened on my own birthday, back on March 7th, 2008 with their "DON'T" double feature of Don't Open The Window & Don't Go In The House(http://ihousephilly.org/oldsite/exhumeddontmiss.htm). I remember it was raining really bad that night, and neither myself nor the people I was going there with knew where the International House was located, despite writing down all the important info. Now because of all of this, we had missed most of the first feature(WINDOW). EF's very own Joseph A. Gervasi let me know this info as I bought my ticket. I stated that I was only interested in the 2nd feature, to which he replied by grabbing me by my collar and angerly letting me know that the first feature, in his words, "was a goddamned masterpiece!". Or maybe he just mentioned it was a really good movie and my annoyance about being soaking wet made it seem that harsh? Who the hell can remember.
We sat in the I-House's original famously uncomfortable seats and watched the end of Don't Open the Window. The only thing that stood out from that was my friend Sean saying that one of the zombies looks like Pete Townshend, which had me in hysterics for quite a few minutes.
As for the the follow-up feature, Don't Go in the House, this movie had very few funny moments, if any at all. The slightly out-of-place disco soundtrack was amusing, as was the scene with the main character buying a disco suit. I let out a purposely forced loud as hell laugh when you see the first girl get roasted, which kinda creeped out my friends.
All in all, my first experience with Exhumed Films was a very positive one, but for some reason, I would not be back for another showing until the second Horrorthon on November 1st, 2009.

-This leads into my next favorite EF memory, and that would would be the entirety of the 2nd annual Horrorthon. In my opinion, it's still the best line-up they have yet to put together, from the craziness of Wicked Wicked, to the sleaziness of The Boogie Man, I had fun with every movie.
The opening movie was John Carpenter's The Fog, which I had never seen before. Now, there is a certain level of excitement that comes with the EF Horrorthon, and that is because all the movies are kept secret. So when The Fog started, it has a great three minute "cold open" with John Houseman telling a ghost story to children around a campfire, all before the credits, so I had no idea what movie this was. It was thrilling.
Later on, after midnight, EF showed Island of the Damned, which is a creepily effective "evil children" movie that is about as ballsy as any movie I've ever seen before it. Experiencing such a movie at this event left a lasting impression on me.
Finally ending the Horrorthon with Return of the Living Dead was the perfect "exclamation point" on the end of a really fun ride.
I will say that the event was not entirely perfect, as some nimrod came to the event all "punked out", right down to the ridiculous spiked mohawk. He sat down right in front of me during one of the movies. Thankfully he did not stay long.

-I don't have many regrets in life, but one of them definitely is me waiting so long to start going to these semi-monthly events way back when I first read about them in the local paper. If not for that one show landing on my birthday, I might've never gone. Thank you, gentlemen, for all the great memories I've had and all the great memories I've yet to experience.

Happy 14th birthday, Exhumed Films! Heres to 14 more!

31 Days of Horror 4: Part 1

                                  Above image "borrowed" from http://www.marksimonson.com/
Every year,  horror-philes celebrate the month of October with a viewing of one horror(or genre related) movie a day for the entire month, while others have double features every night. And then there are those brave souls who try to cram as many "scary" movies as possible into the whole month. I fall into that 3rd category.
This will be my fourth October in a row doing this, and while I have always kept a list of what movies I've watched, I never blogged about it; this changes now. I always referred to this event as "Horrorween", but to be honest I wasn't the biggest fan of that name, but for lack of a better one, I kept it. Thankfully my fellow horror nuts on Twitter came up with the hashtag #31DaysOfHorror, which I liked so much better. It's simple and to the point.
My rules for #31DaysOfHorror:
-At least every other movie viewed has to be something I've never seen before.
-If I am having a themed marathon(all the Saw films in succession), a themed double feature(like two movies starring the same actor or similar plot), or I'm gathered with friends and they choose what we watch, well then obviously the 1st rule gets thrown out.
-Try and fit in a few other things besides movies, like documentaries and halloween specials from the 80s.
That's pretty much is for rules, as you don't need too many for this type of non-event.
I have to say that the month got off to a shaky start as on October 1st I got stuck at a friends house all day with a broken DVD player and only the most basic of cable. So as it happens, the first two films I get to watch were the edited-for-TV versions of Caddyshack and My Cousin Vinny; scary, I know.
I finally got home late that night and popped in my first movie of the month:

#1: Grindhouse
This would be the first time I would get to see Grindhouse in all it's gory glory since it was in theater's back in 2007, and boy did it have trouble keeping my interest. Now this was the first time I was sleeping in my own bed for a few days, so I was pretty tired which I'm sure didn't help. Also my tolerance for loud, obnoxious and in-your-face tongue-in-cheek horror movies has almost drained into nothingness.
On this viewing of Grindhouse, I have to say I now enjoy Death Proof much more than Planet Terror. I mean, besides a couple of solid performances and a very sexy Rose McGowan, P.T. is a mess. Why is Naveen Andrews collecting testicles? Why does Bruce Willis wink at the audience? Why does Jeff Fahey fall asleep on the floor of his restaurant after killing some infected? Why does Michael Parks' mother randomly become infected, while he does not when they are right next to one another? Why is Electra & Elise Avallen the 2 sexiest girls I've ever met? ... Forget that last one.
P.T. is a mess, a fun mess, but a mess nonetheless.
Death Proof, on the other hand, is a true throwback to exploitation films of old, one that is on-the-edge-of-your-seat scary the first time you watch it. Stuntman Mike's sudden turn from goofy bar-goer to homicidal madman is awesome, and the "ship's mast" scene later in the film is edge-of-your-seat stuff.
After thought: I would like to see a movie on the past of Freddy Rodriguez's character El Rey.
Best kill: Stuntman Mike driving his car right across the face of Vanessa Ferlito, literally ripping it off!

Hal Holbrook Double Feature
#2 Rituals*
This movie, about a group of doctors going out on their "ritual" camping trip and being stalked, tortured and murdered one by one by a mysterious person was ok. I wasn't too thrilled with the reveal of who was hunting them, but I feel a 2nd viewing would make me like this movie a bit more.
After thought: I will say it was a nice breath of fresh air to see a camping movie and not have to about a group of groping teens.
Best kill: Tough-man Holbrook strangling a comrade to death, ending his misery.

#3 Creepshow
Who the hell doesn't like Creepshow?! Although this is far from scary, it's about as much fun as you can have watching a horror film. I really enjoy how it took many actors not normally used in this genre and made the best of them. Leslie Nielsen was never meaner in any movie I ever saw, and supposedly Ted Danson does not look back at this movie very fondly, which is a damn shame.
After thought: How twisted is that kid in the beginning of the movie that he is not terrified out of his mind by that...thing outside his window? Even as a grown man that would've killed me with fright!
Best kill: I  particularly enjoyed the nerdy student getting ripped apart by the creature in The Crate.

#4 An American Werewolf in London
Another classic that is virtually impossible to dislike. Not much more I can add to that.
After thought: The scene where all of David Kessler's victim's tell him different ways he can kill himself, thus ending the wolf curse, all while sitting in a porn theater, is my favorite scene in the movie.
Best kill: A police constable gets his head torn off and bounced off the hood of a car.

#5 Alligator*
We can all thank Jaws for all these killer animal movies from the early 80s, and I mean that. Most of these movies are good fun, and this one just about tops the list. Watch this one with a group.
After thought: Using a real alligator walking through a set of miniatures to make it look gargantuan is simply fantastic.
Best kill: This was limited in that department, but the pet store owner is the only one that springs to mind.

#6 The Fly(1986)
Jeff Goldblum with pec muscles does not make sense to me, but after seeing the type of acrobatics that his character has to perform late in this movie, I can understand why he had them.
After thought: Possibly the sexiest Geena Davis ever was in a movie?
Best kill: I don't recall any actual deaths in this movie(besides the end), but I will say the "arm wrestling scene" makes me cringe everytime.

-PART 2 COMING LATER-

* means "never seen before"

Jason Visits Manhattan: Looking at Friday 8

22 years ago today, the "final" movie with the title Friday the 13th was released to the masses(at least till 2009, but more on that later); months before the trailer was popping up before movies with much glee, featuring our favorite killer goalie scaring the hell out of folks in a brand new setting! Horror fans rejoiced, as it looked as though we were getting a familiar premise in an unfamiliar territory, which is something this series desperately needed. Sadly what we got was The Love Boat followed by 15 minutes of Jason and the gang running around New York City Canada. This was a major disappointment when I was 12 years old, and I have to say, despite the movie having a fun "cheese factor", is still a bit of a disappointment today.
Now I understand NYC is one of the most expensive places to film, and using Canada as the faux NYC was just a way to save on that cash, but they had to figure that Jason tearing through Times Square would've been gangbusters, making the studio oodles of cash. The film went on to make $15,000,000, three times the budget. Imagine if the movie actually got good word-of-mouth, by actually taking place where the movie's title promised? It probably would've made 30 mill easily.
According to IMDB, the film was supposed to take place all over NYC; like Madison Square Garden, Brooklyn Bridge and Empire State Building. It was the studio that refused to allow this to happen because of budgetary reasons.
If the movie was not originally advertised to take place in NYC, with that scenario being a surprise for patient movie goers, Jason part 8 might be looked at with kinder eyes in hindsight. Maybe calling it Friday the 13th Part VIII: Blood Cruise and then having the destination of the boat be the something the audience is not expecting. Then not having most of the movie take place where it was originaly promised would not be a source of horror-fans complaints.
Believe it or not, this IS fixable, but that all depends on how you feel about... *looks around* R-E-M-A-K-E-S. I know, "remake" is a dirty word these days, but it doesn't have to be.
Not every remake is a blight upon mankind; The Thing, Night of the Living Dead and The Hills Have Eyes are remakes that we all agree really turned out well.
In 2009, Platinum Dunes released the Friday the 13th remake to much fan-worry. After a viewing, though, you see that as far as remakes go, this one wasn't that bad. It cleanly combines the first three films into a tidy package, as well as having a great cast of "kids" to kill and in this author's opinion, some of the best nudity ever in a slasher film. My only problem with Friday the 13th 2009 was that most of the killings in it were very uninspired. I mean, even the original film had the great scene of Kevin Bacon getting a skewer through his throat from under the bed, which was totally revolutionary back then.
The Friday remake did just well enough to have rumors of a sequel bounce around the internet for a few years now, this time taking Jason into the winter, which is a simple yet brilliant direction to take the series. Considering that movie IS a hit, the chances a third movie are likely, which is why I propose this:
Friday the 13th Part 3-D: Jason Takes Manhattan!
Now, I know what you're thinking "You, of ALL people, are suggesting a movie be released in 3D?!". Yes yes I am an outspoken hater of the way 3D has been shoved down our throats, but I loved it in My Bloody Valentine 3D, and since the O.G. F13th part 3 was 3D, I believe this would be a solid "homage", as long as it's kept simple. But more importantly, this movie would be perfect place to take Jason Voorhees and have him reign terror on NYC the way he was supposed to back in 1989.
New York has a much, MUCH different look now than it did back then. It was much more dangerous. It was grittier and dirtier. Today it's very "disneyfied" and a lot more family friendly, so Jason running rough-shot all over the most famous city on the planet would make a much bigger impact.
If this were to happen, and if it was done right, I have no problem saying that a Jason Takes Manhattan remake would be one the most anticipated horror movies in a long time.

Exhumed Films Horrorthon Year 4: Attack of the Sequels

It is exactly 1 week after the 2010 Exhumed Films Horrorthon and I think I have finally recovered fully, both mentally(oh my god Boardinghouse) and physically(why the FUCK were my shins hurting?). This year was especially hard for me, as I had got ZERO sleep the night before. I decided to crash at my friend Jenna's apartment, as she lives a brisk 10 minute walk from the venue housing the event(a walk that sucks when your shins are falling apart). The problem with Jenna's place though was that she lives on the 4th floor of a building, meaning that it collects heat like it's baseball cards, and I'm a heat generator to begin with. The point I'm trying to make is that I was hurting bad walking into the Horrorthon this year, worse than any previous year, but I persevered. But you guys don't wanna hear my bitching & moaning...

The whole fun of EF's Horrorthon is that you have NO IDEA what films that will be shown, and the list of clues that is given to you beforehand is barely any help, but this year they wanted to make things interesting for us: a chance to win a Blu-ray player to whomever in the crowd was able to guess the most movies correctly. Let it be known right now that I only got one movie right, which I'll go over in my review.

So after a few announcements and a full-on lambasting from EF's own Dan Fraga, we start the festivities off at 12:15pm with 15 minutes of slasher movie trailers, which lead us into our first film(i'll give the clue, then what my guess was, then obviously the right answer):

12:30PM - Silly Slasher Sequel that is not quite as good as the original...

My guess: Child's Play 2 - We were really hoping for this one, but what we got was:

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors

Ironically my 3rd favorite of the franchise, this was certainly a nice surprise as I had never seen it with a LIVE crowd before and let me tell you it makes all the difference. Kincade wa never funnier, Dr. Gordon was never dopier(and it was never so obvious that he was doing whatever Nancy asked of him because he wanted to fuck her bad) and this scene never seemed as stupid as it did this past weekend:

Yes Nancy... it's a door. Ugh...maybe you deserved to have John Saxon gut you like a fish.

2:00PM - Giant Monster Movie

As usual, my guess was "Godzilla's Revenge", but what we got was:

The Mighty Peking Man

I was hurting at this point, as I had not slept now for 23 hours, but I'm glad I stayed awake for this goofy gem. This BLATANT King Kong/Tarzan rip off was a bloody masterpiece! Fuck Woody Allen and Steven Spielberg, as they NEVER had a cheetah fighting a cobra in their so-called movies.

3:30PM Nifty, Creepy Horror Anthology

My best guess for this was Creepshow 2, but I don't think anyone refers to that film as "Nifty", so what we got was:

Tales From The Crypt 2(AKA The Vault Of Horror)

Sorry, folks, but this was the movie I napped during if I was to survive the rest of the marathon. I did catch the last half hour, though, as it featured a maniacally bearded Tom Baker killing people with his art.

5:15PM Campy Creature Feature Sequel that may be a little bit better than the original

I don't remember having a guess for this one, but it ended up being:

It Lives Again!

The sequel to the mutant-baby movie It's Alive, neither of which I had ever seen. This movie was fun enough but didn't have the crazy ending I was hoping for. These movies might benefit from a remake, but keep the babies animatronic, NOT CGI!

7:15PM - Zombie Movie

Ah, the ONE AND ONLY movie I guessed right:

Dawn of the Dead

Obviously the original; this print was the British cut if I'm not mistaken(and I probably am). This is just a good movie that any self respecting horrorphile loves, but I'm sure there are some "too cool for the room" pricks who say that this movie "isn't as good as people say it is".

9:30PM - Goofy, Gory Horror/Sci-Fi Exploitation Flick

My guess was the awesome Galaxy Of Terror, but what we got was:

Return of the Alien: Deadly Spawn(AKA The Deadly Spawn)

What a fantastic movie this ended up being. Just a silly, violent movie that needs to be seen with a full audience who will appreciate what ridiculous fun is to be had. Just look at this monster:

                                                           He's almost cuddly!

11:00PM - The movie that "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" wishes it could be

We were strongly hoping for Little Shop of Horrors, and a lot of others thought Repo: The Genetic Opera, but what we got was:

The Phantom of the Paradise

My brother was trying to get me to watch this movie for years, and for whatever reason I just never got around to seeing it. I'm glad I waited because seeing it for the 1st time on the big screen made all the difference. I'm pretty sure nobody I came with liked this movie as much as I did. This movie had fun songs, a great cast and a "hero" that looks like he fell out of the cartoon Battle of the Planets(G Force or Gatchaman) and had a voice that sounded like the torture droid from Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi. I'm surprised their has never been an action figure based on him.

12:30AM - Holy shit, the greatest, bloodiest Kung Fu movie of all time! I don't even know what else to say, I just...I mean...this movie is...holy fucking shit...

My friend Joe guessed Ichi The Killer and some guy near us was guessing Ricki-Oh or whatever it's called. I personally had no guess, but the movie was:

Five Element Ninjas

Yeah, I missed most of this one. I do not mind a subtitled film, but after 12 hours and closing in on 1AM, I just could not handle it at this time. Plus I may have been a little lit, so a walk was in order. I did come back in time to see a very nice "drawn & quartering".

2:15PM - Sleazy Slasher Movie Directed By A Genre Favorite

I had no guess here, for whatever reason, but it ended up being:

The Funhouse

This was a nice surprise, as I had never seen it and always wanted to. My only complaint here was the body count was way too low. 

4:00AM - Tongue In Cheek Monster Movie Classic Directed By A Genre Favorite

No guesses, I was tired.

The Howling

Another nice surprise as I had never seen this film, either. E.T.'s mom battling werewolves? Dick Miller: occult store owner? Kinda crazy-ass ending? Awesome stuff.

5:30AM - Supernatural shocker that is so utterly ridiculous it must be seen to be believed, and even then you still probably won't believe this movie exists in our universe. Maybe the most inept movie Exhumed Films has ever screened.

Some goofballs in the audience were positive that this was going to be HAUSU, showing how little they know Exhumed Films. What we got was....wait for it:

Boardinghouse

What. The Fuck, Exhumed Films? Was there nothing more pleasant to be shown, like footage from Columbine or the Challenger explosion? 

The opening to this film, which consisted of almost 5 minutes of LOUD beeping text, took years off our lives. This does not play like a straight forward, coherent movie, but instead is like your watching a collection of deleted scenes from an unfinished college film. The best you could scramble together after one viewing is that some creeper-looking dude inherits a house that MAY be possessed by a terrible special effect. The creeper dude proceeds to rent the house out to an infinite number of beautiful(for 1981) women, who seem to be haunted, tortured or murdered by someone or something. As the movie progresses you find out that creeper dude has mind powers and proceeds to move a bar of soap around while taking a bath in what could be the silliest thing I've ever seen in a movie not involving muppets. 

From what I'm told this was the 1st "shot on video(shiteo)" horror movies to come out on VHS, and for some reason they felt it needed to be released in theaters, too. This movie will give cancer to you soul. Four stars!

7:15AM - Breakfast Break!

They served free cereal and showed a Mr. Magoo cartoon while I covered myself with de-lousing powder, called my mother and wept openly.

7:45AM - Influential Slasher Sequel That Many People Feel Surpasses The Original

Once again, hoped for Child's Play 2, but what we got was:

Friday the 13th Part 2

At this point I was contemplating suicide, what with the visions of Mr. Magoo killing women in a boarding house...I'm pretty sure that was the last movie I had watched at this point. Now a man with a bag on his head is scampering through the woods. I don't know what's real anymore.

9:15AM - "Animals Attack" Film With A Snazzy Sci-Fi Twist

We fucking HOPED TO MAGOO for Tremors, which would have been awesome, but what we got was:

Bug

No, not the one that came out like 2 years ago, you goose. This was William Castle's final film, about bugs(duh) that burned at the touch, and prolonged touching would result in you bursting into flames. Great movie, just hard to handle at 10 in the morning... Not the content of the movie but the screaming from the people towards the end was the worst I've ever heard. I think at the end the whole planet blew up. Or maybe that's what I saw in a dreary haze. And I think Mr. Magoo was in there somewhere.

10:45AM - Historically, the horrorthon has always ended with a zombie movie. I guess this counts...kind of.

Our guess? Evil Dead. But what we got, for the final movie, was:

The House By The Cemetery

The Lucio Fulci classic! Another nice surprise of a movie I had never seen before. Squeaky-voiced brat and his family are tortured by a super-zombie in their basement, at least that's what I was able to piece-meal together in my fogginess. This is not a movie I would've ended with, as I believe you need to go out with a bang(like Return of the Living Dead & Re-Animator from previous years), but this worked fine.

After it all ended, I went home and slept till 1AM, missing Dexter, Walking Dead and all of the Halloween festivities. Boo.

Thank you for another great year, Exhumed Films!

Late Monstermaina 15 post and more:

Ok, so I'm a week and a day late for my post about Monstermania, but to be honest, there was really nothing to "report". It's not like MM is the San Diego Comic Con, where horror professionals make huge horror-related announcements on upcoming movies, tv, video games and comic books. No, MM is basically about meeting A level(Robert England, John Carpenter, Bruce Campbell), B level(Rowdy Roddy piper, Zach Galligan, Sid Haig) and Z level celebrities(Dick Warlock, Ari Lehman, Alex Vincent), getting them to sign our posters, DVD's and various body parts.
With that being said, this past MM was severely underwhelming to say the least. The only person I was interested in meeting was the above mentioned Mr. Carpenter, whom I had sign my original Big Trouble in Little China poster and my They Live reprint poster with Roddy Piper's & Keith David's signatures already on it! My brother and I recently learned that Carpenter is a huge basketball fan, so we brought him one of our mother's basketball prints that she drew back in the 70's. He was very appreciative and thought they were gorgeous. After that was said and done, it was nothing but partying and DVD buying for the rest of the weekend. So as you can see, nothing to really "report".
The next Monstermania has been scheduled for March 11th-13th 2011; hotel room to be booked shortly.
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My last blog post I reported on the much anticipated Grindhouse Blu-ray, but did not post the release date, which is Oct 5th. My apologies for being an asshole.
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In two days it will be September 1st, and you know what that means? Nothing for you, but for me, it will start my arduous task of watching and reviewing at least one horror movie a night till Halloween. That's 61 nights of movie(of something horror/monster/grindhouse-y) watching till my eyes bleed! And I'll be doing it all for you, my dozen or so readers! This, of course, will lead us directly into...
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The 2010 Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horror Movie Marathon! Starting at Noon on Saturday October 30th, a bombardment of 14 non-stop horror films will be thrown at a small crowd of 300+, all of which are completely unknown to the blood-craving audience, who're given a list of clues to the craziness they are about to be subjected to!
In the coming weeks I will be doing several posts on the horrorthons of the past, and also posting a handy "tip guide" to those who are going this year(or any others across the country that have sprung up recently).
I'll make this blog post interesting by throwing the very 1st clue from the very 1st horrorthon back in 2007, see if you can guess(it's a little vague, but the answer is more obvious than you think):
Film #1 Slasher Classic