Thursday, October 31, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Part 7

One of the things I've really enjoyed about this month has been rediscovering films that I haven't seen since my early teen years, such as Hellraiser, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 and Last House on the Left. We continue that enjoyment today with...


What can I say about The Evil Dead that hasn't already been said a million times? Honestly, nothing really. It's a really good movie, and was surely scary as hell when it was roaming the movie houses back in 1982. Although I wonder if the stop-motion sequences were scary then, as I'm sure today's young, jaded horror fans would laugh at it as they tweeted during most of the film.
Unfortuneatly for me, I watched Army of Darkness first, and was pretty disappointed when my brother rented The Evil Dead from West Coast Video only to find out that this trilogy does not start off as funny as it ends. That's just the how my 13 year old self thought. Stupid stupid 13 year old me.
Kill Count: 4
Best Scene: I love all the stop-motion horror. It adds a disturbing element to the whole thing.
One More Thing: Forget Freddy Vs. Jason, I want Deadites Vs. Cenobites! That Necronomicon and the Puzzle Box have lots in common.


I purposely chose this as my final film for 31 Days of Horror, but it would seem after my third viewing, I have a lot more to say about it than I can fit into one quick review blog. Maybe it's just fanboy posturing, but I feel there's some deep layers going on with Evil Dead '13, and I plan on going into them in a deeper blog.
Kill Count: 6(and that includes the "Abomination" at the end)
Best Death: Probably the best sentence I'll ever type in my entire life: Death by chainsaw to the face, that then turns into total body evisceration. It's truly a beautiful scene.
One More Thing: I do not understand any horror fan who watches this movie and hates it. I respect everyone's opinions, but an Evil Dead remake(even though I don't think it's a remake) was going to happen no matter what. At least now it was done with care and respect for the source material.

THAT'S IT. 31 Days of Horror is over! I'm gonna go out and enjoy Halloween. You all should do the same. THANK YOU for reading!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Part 6


TCM3 was a movie my friend put on at a slumber party I went to as a kid, that I was too terrified to watch. Any movie titled The Texas Chainsaw Massacre sounded way too hardcore for a kid at that age, and I really don't think I was exaggerating too much.
20+ years later, I finally watched TCM3, and while it's not for kids at all, it's certainly the tamest of the original trilogy. With that said, I absolutely loved TCM3. It has everything going for it: Ken Foree, giant, stainless-steel chainsaw, the Leather-Truck(!), and mother fucking Viggo Mortensen! I honestly had no idea that Viggo was in TCM3 when I popped the disc in, and it made the movie that much sweeter. Sadly, no chainsaw fight, and we came close to a head explosion, but instead we got a shotgun blast to the chest. Yawn.
Otherwise, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III is a great time.
Kill Count: 5(and 1 dead armadillo)
Best Scene: The unveiling of the Leather-Truck had me in hysterics.
One More Thing: TCM3 has the best movie trailer of the entire franchise, possibly of any horror movie ever.


I went into this one with an open mind, I really did. But it's just bad. Bad writing, pacing, editing, kills, lame attempts at humor. I'd swear they were trying to take TCM in a SCREAM direction, if TCM:TNG hadn't come out 2 years earlier. Only watch this out of extreme curiosity.
Kill Count: 5
Best Scene: I hate to say it, but Matthew Mcconaughey is highly entertaining in this. The movie's only saving grace.
One More Thing: The very end of the movie has a quick cameo by Marilyn Burns(the sole survivor from the original film) as she rolls by on a hospital gurney. She's oddly credited as Anonymous.


As much as I want to, I cannot hate this movie. TC3D was an unwanted, un-needed sequel/remake/reboot/retread that actually does a really good job at showing love to the original movie, all while trying to create a story of it's own. To little surprise, the new story pretty much falls flat on it's face.
TC3D says it's a direct sequel to the original 1974 film, yet the the story's protagonist, whose age is never given, cannot be older than 25. This is a plot-hole that you could drive a Mac Truck through. The writer's could've easily set the story in the mid '90s. All they needed to do was remove iPhones, change the music and alter a little dialogue. This(along with a few other aggravating points) really makes me want to hate this film to it's very core. But I can't.
It's very obvious to me that they cared for the original's history, and with some work this could've been an awesome film. I blame the fact that one of the writer's was best known for working on Soap Operas. Go ahead and hate on Texas Chainsaw 3D, it deserves it, but just know that they meant well. I truly believe this.
Kill Count: 21(may be the highest of the whole franchise)
Best Scene: Anything with Alexandra Daddario's exposed midriff. Hilariously, when she wear's a dress-shirt late in the film, she only buttons the very top, still leaving everything exposed to the word. It's like she had no time to do anymore buttons because a maniac was after her.
One More Thing: And don't even get me started on the fact that this movie was in 3D. *starts flipping over tables*

Monday, October 28, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Part 5


The last time I watched this, it opened the Exhumed Films' Horror-thon a few years back. Other than the original film, I'd seen this one the most in the series, but it wasn't until I sat down with an Exhumed audience that this movie became a completely different monster. It was at this moment when I realized that I really love watching movies with that crowd. It's something that cannot be explained properly, but needs to be experienced first hand.
As for the movie itself, it's certainly the 2nd best one of the series. Despite my love for NOEM2, you could easily eliminate it, and the rest of the films(until Freddy's Dead) have a pretty good flow to 'em, story wise.
Since Dream Warriors and Dream Master ended up being such huge successes, they sped-up the production of Dream Child, released it less than a year after Dream Master, and ruined the series, since it was a pretty weak installment and was a box office bomb. Freddy's awesome momentum was killed because of producer's greed. Sadly, this is not unusual in Hollywood, since H'wood killed-off plenty of horror franchises, some before they could even get any good steam going. But that's an angry conversation for another time.
Kill Count: 5
Best Scene: I really love the Freddy Skeleton scene. When you think about it, Freddy probably had to use A LOT of teen soul-juice to make that happen, which could've led to his defeat.
One More Thing: Why was Nancy cos-playing as Blondie from The Good The Bad and The Ugly at Philip's funeral?


Werewolf movie. Completely burned out. Back after the Horror-thon this weekend.
Kill Count: 6
Best Scene: Dick Miller: Occult Bookstore Owner should've been a tv show.
One More Thing: The movie ends with the lovely Dee Wallace turning into a Wookie and nothing will convince me otherwise.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horror-thon Survival Guide: 2013 Edition

This here is my yearly, always revised helpful guide to try and make your theatrical movie marathon experience go smoothly, both for yourself and the folks who have to clean up after us messes.

1. If you're coming with a party of more than 2 people, remember that the earlier you arrive, the better. Pretty simple.

2. Dress as comfortably as you see fit for sitting in a movie theater for 24 straight hours. So, I'd think twice about that GWAR cosplay you may've been considering.

3. Bring pillows and blankets for the wee hours. I even hear the I-House has lifted their snuggy ban, that was originally enacted back in 1909.

4. A small pocket flashlight helps, trust me. Just be conservative with it, as not to annoy other horror-thon attendees. I'm sure you'll have annoyed them enough already.

5. There will be vendors at the event selling vegan and non-vegan food stuffs(im too lazy to link them here). I DO know that Spot Burger had to bail this year, which is horrible. Check the official Exhumed Films facebook for more info.

6. Money money money money moneeeeeeeey... Sorry, I had a  Million Dollar Man flashback. BUT, bring some money to buy a Home Video or two from DiabolikDVD and some Exhumed Films show posters from HauntLove. There will also be a limited number of Horror-thon Part 7 t-shirts available for your t-shirty pleasures.

7. Bring stuff, whatever stuff you use, to make sure you keep smelling inoffensive for 24 hours. PLEASE skip your usual breakfast of coffee and feces, if you can help it(that's a Jim Norton line, that I enjoy, so please forgive me).

8. Bring a trash bag to help clean up after yourself and your party at the end of the event. You can even use it as a make-shift Halloween costume beforehand: "I'm crazy Garbage Bag Man! Gimme some candy!" Ok that last one is an Adam Sandler line. I'm even more sorry now.

Ok kids, pretty simple stuff. Let's all have a great time at the goddamned Horror-thon this weekend!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Horror-thon Countdown Part 3

Exhumed Films Horror-thon - 2009

This is my shameful Horror-thon, as I slept through 6 of the 14 movies screened. I just was not feeling it that year, and I guess you could say that this was my least favorite year out of all of them.
So, I re-watched a couple of the films I missed. How were they?


Horror-thon Start Time: 12:45AM
Clue: Sleazy, absurdist zombie guilty pleasure

The 35mm print they screened at the Horror-thon was titled City of the Living Dead. You'd thins this is a pretty straight-forward zombie movie, except for the fact that all the zombies know how to use hunting knives and machine guns, and can fight pretty well. Seriously, watching a zombie throw a good punch made me laugh pretty hard. Also, the zombie make-up is hilariously ridiculous, as they look less like zombies and more like scabby-headed mutants. Well dressed scabby-headed mutants, that is.
Nightmare City is a fun movie, and I'm real sorry I snoozed through it the first time around.
Kill Count: 74 - And we may have our champion for the month; I don't think anyone's beating that number. This is just counting people. I did not count zombie death or anyone who was hit in the chest with a bat(that's hardly a death blow).
Best Death: Woman falls to her death and it's obviously a dummy. Good stuff.
One More Thing: The ending MAY piss people off.


The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh

Horror-thon Start Time: 11:15PM
Clue: Stunning Giallo from a master of the genre

They screened this Italian Giallo right after the bat-shit craziness that was Raw Force, which was not a good idea, because it's slowness put most of the audience to sleep, myself included.
I can honestly say, now that I've given it a second chance, that this movie is indeed boring. I gave i a good half hour, but it lost to Giant Boulder of Death on my iPod and Opie & Anthony on my XM.
Kill Count: 3 before I lost interest
Best Scene: *Butt-Head face* Uhhh...
One More Thing: :P

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Horrorthon Countdown Part 2

Exhumed Films Horror-thon - 2008

Ah yes, the first year I attended. This is the year that I still feel had the strongest line-up when compared to any of the following years, but that might be caused by my first-timer excitement giddiness. Here's the list if you need to be reminded what played.


Horror-thon Start Time: 10:45AM
Clue: Zombies. Gotta bring it home with zombies.

This was the perfect end to the perfect movie marathon. I remember the trailer reel they showed before was almost like a countdown. It was a collection of Zombie films, mostly the "...of the Dead" ones, with some others mixed in for good measure. These trailers were the teasing foreplay before the best climax you could ever wish for in Return of the Living Dead. The International House was sent home satisfied that day.
Kill Count: My official 'on screen' count was 24, but then 20 square blocks of Louisville, KY are blown up by the Government, and they claim just under 4,000 dead. So yeah, TRIOXIN fucked this town.
Best Scene: When the zombies start asking for more paramedics & police from the abandoned ambulances and police cruisers.
One More Thing: And you just know had this movie first come out when there was internet, the whiney cry-baby groups would be yelling and screaming over talking zombies. Go get fucked by Tar Man.


Horror-thon Start Time: 3:45PM
Clue: Unique, rarely seen horror oddity

Now this film is what the Horror-thon is all about: special attractions that you wouldn't bother seeing anywhere else.
This one was a real crowd please, but if I could've changed one thing in hindsight, I would have switched this movie with Fright Night, which played at 11:45PM. I think they played this one too early, and while this didn't hurt the film, i jut feel it needed to be saved for later.
Today's the first time I've watched Wicked, Wicked since then, and while it's still fun, the audience experience made it a much better film. I wonder what bat-shit crazy movie Exhumed Films is planning for this weekend?
Kill Count: 5
Best Death: We get a sweet beheading, with an actual guillotine!
One More Thing: After doing some poking & prodding on Twitter, I found out that Warner Archive is finally giving this movie the home video treatment it deserves.

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Horrorthon Countdown Part 1

This week is Horror-thon Week, and each day we're going to remember each and every Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horror-thon(all 6), counting down to 7th annual show this Saturday.
I'll be choosing 2 random films from each 'thon, remembering my 'thon experience with those films, friend's experiences, yadda yadda yadda.

Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horror-Thon - 2007

The original Horror-thon was Exhumed Films way of celebrating their 10 year anniversary. The guys figured it'd be a fun thing to do once and that MAYBE a few people would show up.
7 years later, the event now sells out in less than 2 days and people beg for tickets constantly up to the day before the show.
Sadly, I missed the very first Horror-thon, so I no have experience from the show, so this will be a normal 31 Days of Horror review. My next blog, and all the others following this one, will be a little more in-depth about the events.


Horror-thon Start Time: 5:15PM
Clue: Gruesome favorite that doesn't fall into any particular genre

I've never had the best relationship with Hellraiser. When I first watched it, over 20 years ago,  I was bored to tears. I guess Hellraiser is a bit slow for a kid(and violent. and sexual. and...). Add in the fact I've never see Hellbound, and Hell on Earth disturbed me, made me not give this franchise a proper chance for a long time.
I'm happy to say that this viewing was an incredibly pleasurable one, and for the first time in my life I am a Hellraiser fan.
I honestly hope they show Hellbound at this weekend's Horror-thon.
Kill Count: 7 - Yes, I counted Frank twice.
Best Scene: "Jesus Wept."
One More Thing: Using the claw-hammer as a murder weapon freaks me the hell out. Probably because a childhood chum tried to bludgeon me with a hammer once. I was fine, because his father saw the whole thing and intervened. Boy, did HE ever get a whuppin'.

Movie 20

Horror-thon Start Time: 7:15AM
Clue: "sort-of-living-dead-but-not-really" cult classic

I'm about to surprise a lot of people: I wasn't the biggest fan of this movie. Maybe it's because I was tired while watching it, but I was pretty bored. I am totally willing to give this movie a better chance down the road, but for right now, I'm really 'meh' about it.
Kill Count: 5 was the last number I had written down before my disinterest caused me to lose count.
One More Thing: Bloody awesome soundtrack, though. Same with the score.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Part 4


I love this movie. I'd seen it for the first time at last year's Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horror-thon. Walked in right at the scene where a woman gives birth to a full grown man. Just rips his way out of her most sensitive of areas, all gooey and naked. Even bites off his own umbilical chord. I knew, from that scene alone, that this movie was something special.
Xtro is great because it's fucking disgusting, while being pretty interesting at the same time.
Show up for the muck and the mire, stay for the story.
Kill Count: 9
Best Death: There's a few to choose from, but I personally love the old woman being stabbed with a bayonet by a giant plastic soldier children's toy come to life.
One More Thing: This'd work as a great double feature with Deadly Spawn.


Despite having seen this movie before, and knowing how it ends, that did not keep my stomach from twisting in knots while rewatching last night. The thought of being lost, deep in the woods, possibly caused by a witch's curse, terrifies me. This has a real claustrophobic feel to it, despite being out in the open, if that makes any sense.
TBWP works a hell of a lot better as a story if you were actually around in 1999 and thought it was real, like most did, at first. The directors were very smart with their advertising campaign, leaving little bits here and there. My favorite is the fact that all three campers, while each having an iMDB page, were all listed as "missing/dead". Bloody brilliant.
I need more Blair Witch. What I really want is a direct sequel that shows the footage actually being found. I feel this could've been a good franchise, similar to what Paranormal Activity would end up having, but sadly TBWP would have a terrible, uninspired sequel.
This killed the Blair Witch. RIP.
Kill Count: 3, I'm strongly assuming.
Best Scene: The whole movie's great, but it's all just a build-up to a fuck-tastically frightening ending.
One More Thing: During the WWF's "Attitude Era", they started what was going a series of skits called The Blonde Bitch Project, starring Stevie Richards and The Blue Meanie, about the former WWF Diva Sable. This idea was abandoned after 1 sketch, probably for a plethora of reasons, mostly litigious I'm sure.
Sadly this video is nowhere to be found on the YouTubes.


This indie gem is a good pairing with The Blair Witch Project, as they share a lot of the same elements, story-wise. But since Yellowbrickroad is not "found footage", it still feels like a very different film.
Much like The Blair Witch Project, Yellowbrickroad hits the mark on everything: characters, premise, locale, suspense and malevolence.
For me, Yellowbrickroad falls flat at the one thing Blair Witch succeeded in NOT doing: showing the audience a glimpse of what happened. The Blair Witch Project shows you barely anything. Of sure, there's the tongue wrapped-up in someone's tattered shirt after they've disappeared, and that nightmarish(for me) ending, but it's so low key it's easily missed.
Yellowbrickroad, on the other hand, beats you over the head at the end with one glimpse, and it's terrible. It almost ruined the movie for me, honestly. To make matters worse, since it's an indie film, the effects budget is minimal, so it looks terrible.
OTHER THAN THAT, I have a lot of respect for this film, and feel you should give it a watch. And use your imagination about what the hell's going on.
Kill Count: My official 'on screen' count is 4, but there's quite a few folks who went unaccounted for. Perhaps they're still lost in the New Hampshire woods?
Best Scene: Two words: Human Scarecrow
One More Thing: I'd love to go a little deeper into this film, but I'd hate to spoil anything. Now, what I think was happening in Yellowbrickroad might be 100% wrong, but for me, it makes it a far more interesting experience.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Halloween Special

MOVIES 11 & 12

Halloween & Halloween 2 - 35mm at the Colonial Theatre in Phoenixville, PA

My good friend Dr. Jimmy Terror posted a great blog about this night, which is a much better take than anything I'm gonna vomit up. So I won't be hurt if you go read his instead.


You're still here?

The Colonial is at least a good hour from me, and because this was a rainy evening, I ended up arriving in the area a good 90 minutes too early for the show. The movie theater was not letting anyone in for another hour, so I stood outside a hipster coffee house siphoning off their WiFi and sat in my car listening to NPR until the appropriate time to stumble towards the theatre.
It wasn't long before I was joined by my North Jersey cohort Dr. Jimmy Terror, and proceeded to make our way to the upstairs balcony. After scoring our seats, we went downstairs and hob-knobbed with fellow horror-hounds. Since the good Doctor covered my movie ticket, I bought the pop-corn bucket, which we adorably shared for the rest of the night.
Chris Garofalo of Quiltface Studios was there selling his awesome limited edition Halloween print, which I told myself that I wouldn't buy because I already have too many posters and not enough wall.
The good Doctor bought a poster, though.

Then came time for the pre-show announcements and prize giveaways. First up was a poster set donated from Mr. Garofalo, which was won by none other than the good Doctor Terror!

Next up was a Halloween 35th Anniversary bluray. I say to Jimmy: "There's no way in hell I'm winning anything while sitting next to the guy who already won something." Well, guess what happened:

"Both of you guys won??" some random guy behind us yelled. "I'm right there with ya, man." I retorted.

From there, the movies started up, and it was glorious. Yes, the Halloween one was a bit of a mess, but that's part of why we love 35mm.
There isn't much I can add to Halloween, but watching Halloween 2 immediately after really shows off how inferior it is in comparison. Still a good time, though.

Afterwards, I completely caved and purchased TWO posters from Chris: the awesome Halloween print, and a killer Hellraiser one.

This was a great night with great people. Thank you, Colonial Theatre. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later.

Kill Count: Halloween - 4 / Halloween 2 - 8(i think. my count might be flubbed)
Best Kill: The poor schmuck in the white mask who Loomis mistakes for Myers, and ends up getting destroyed by a ambulance with an inattentive driver.
One More Thing: During this viewing, it occurred to me that Dr. Loomis might be a total lunatic in his own right.
And just what the hell does Laurie Strode have against Neutron Man?


The return of The Shape after the Season of the Witch is the 2nd most financially successful Halloween film of the series. It holds up ok, and has plenty of nods back to the original film.
I love the ending, where Danielle Harris' character reenacting young Myers' first kill. It set up a sequel really well. Sadly, they'd blow it.
Kill Count: 11
Best Death: The Shape gets his hands on a gun for the first time, and obviously has no idea how to use it. Whomever taught him how to drive should've helped li'l Mikey with some weapons training.
One More Thing: Doctor Loomis has a scarred face(from the explosion he inexplicably survived from Halloween 2) that seems to heal as the film proceeds.


Yeah, this is where the series takes a massive nosedive. Danielle Harris is in what seems to be a children's mental ward(which I'm sure doesn't exist) and there seems to a be a slap-dashed story about a man-in-black searching for The Shape and there may or may not end with a huge soapbox derby, I don't remember.
Kill Count: 17! We have a new death leader for the month! Sorry, Hills Have Eyes remake.
Best ???: I watched this movie 3 days ago and i remember absolutely nothing about it. Not good.
One More Thing: Obviously they were hoping for Revenge to do as well as Return did, which is why they ended it with such a gigantic cliffhanger. Unfortunately, Revenge bombed, and we wouldn't get another Halloween film for 7 years.


Ah, The Curse. An aptly titled movie, as it seems it was a gigantic mess to film from start to finish. After Revenge bombed, Universal dumped the broken series to Dimension Films, and those were not good hands.
Money issues prevented Danielle Harris from reprising her role(she reportedly only wanted five grand), which is probably what lead to her character's quick demise.
Eleven script rewrites didn't help anything, along with constant fighting between the cast and producers/director. This lead to a story that was pretty dull and an ending that made zero sense. And because this movie was made several years after it's predecessor, it does not keep the same flow the previous two had. It does get into who the Man-In-Black is, and goes a little deeper into the cult known as The Thorn, but it's still not enough to make this movie interesting. There is a drastically different "Producer's Cut" available on the bootleg circuit, and I'd love to find a copy.
Sadly, this chapter in the Halloween saga would spell the end for Dr. Loomis, as the great Donald Pleasance died on February 2nd, 1995. While Curse featured one great actor's end, it also features one's beginning, as we're introduced to Paul Rudd(brilliantly put in the roll as grown-up Tommy from the original film). Not as great of an actor as Pleasance, but Rudd's still had a lot of really good roles.
At the end, The Shape is beaten "to death" by a lead pipe. Seems fitting, as this script should've been flushed.
Body Count: 14
Best Death: Ironically, as much as I just trashed this movie, it features THE BEST DEATH in the entire series(discounting 3), as The Shape electrocutes a man against a circuit breaker until HIS GODDAMNED HEAD EXPLODES. FUCKING BONKERS AWESOME. In my honest opinion, this death completely saves the movie. Ten stars!
One More Thing: I have never seen H:20 or Resurrection. I'm sure they're as bad as people make them out to be. I'll try to squeeze them in by the end of the month, but I'm not promising anything. Same thing with the Zombie remakes. I'll try to get to them, but there's so many other films I want to cover before the 31st.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

31 Days Of Horror: Year 6 - Part 2

Before we start, I need to link everyone to a few fellow bloggers who're also sharing in the 31 Days of Horror goodness: Tiffs & Shaz! They are killing it thus far, so give them a read when you're done here.
Ok then, I'm gonna fudge the order of movies from the past week, so I can do a full post of Halloween films, which will be blog post part 3.
Let's get it on!


Last year I attempted to watch all 7 Saw films, and proceeded to fail miserably. I just wasn't feeling them at the time, so I stopped at part 3. This year, we attempt to finish what we started.
Saw IV has a strong opening and a killer ending, with a lot of snore in the middle. We're also introduced to a new Jigsaw killer, and they chose an actor who starred in an honest to goodness ET porn. Sadly, this is not used in any of the kills.
Oh well, look for Saw V, VI and VII next week.
Kill Count: 7
Best Death: A certain popstar gets their head crushed by two 100 pound ice blocks. Pretty fucking awesome.
One More Thing: I find this to be the most confusing of the series(although I've yet to see 7), as it seems that both Saw III & IV happen concurrently! I have watched Saw IV at least 3 times and I still have no idea how.


Until recently, this was my personal favorite of the modern remakes. Featuring a great cast that you genuinely care about, humanoid mutant hillbilly cannibals, a frightening "lost in the desert and nobody knows we're here" setting, and some savage brutality sprinkled in for good measure, makes this movie, for me, a remake in the same vein as Cronenberg's The Fly and Carpenter's The Thing.
Kill Count: 15! Beating out Beware! The Blob!
Best Scene: Waking up in a hot, locked, non-working freezer filled with blood and body parts. Nightmarish scenario for anyone, especially the claustrophobic.
One More Thing: I cannot, at the same time, recommend The Hills Have Eyes 2. The opening has a sweet mutant baby birth scene, but otherwise it's dogshit.


A horror movie with heart? Who'da thunk it? I was one of the lucky few who was able to watch this without ever seeing the "let's give away everything" trailer, and I was better off for it.
If you've not seen T&D, do so soon and pair it with Shaun of the Dead for a fantastic double feature.
Body Count: 12
Best Death: Let's just say, a woodschipper in a horror movie is never a good thing(or maybe it's the best thing, depends on how you look at it).
One More Thing: I'd love to see more Tucker & Dale. Maybe Tucker & Dale Save Christmas? Tucker & Dale Do Their Taxes? Tucker & Dale Have Heat Exhaustion? The ideas are endless!

This is a short blog, as next time we'll focus solely on Halloween 1-6.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Year 6 - Part 1

Happy October everyone. Before we get started, I need to send a huge THANK YOU to the lovely James "Dr. Terror" Harris for the awesome logo he designed for me, that now sits proudly at the top of this blog. One more step towards looking like a legit website.

If you don't know by now, I like to celebrate the entire month of October with the 31 Days of Horror, where I try to cram in as many horror films as possible, and I give you, my wonderful reader(s?), the results. I am by no means Mr. Originality here, but I found it enjoyable enough to do for 6 straight years. I often wish I had this idea a decade ago. Ah well...

This year: NO RULES. No forcing myself to watch a new movie every other movie. No Part 2uesday. No Sci-Fi Saturdays. NOTHING. The only thing I'm continuing from last year is the Kill Count from each movie, which Dead Heat was the winner of last year with 31 on-screen deaths.

Now, let's get into the shit-heap that's been October 2013 so far:


I decided to start this year's 31DOH with what I thought would be a fun event: A "Written & Directed By" Wes Craven Double Feature, and boy oh boy, would *I* ever be wrong.
It's been 20 years since I've seen the original Last House, so besides the film's rapey content, I'd forgotten all of it. I do remember watching it with my friends all those years ago and finding this film to be incredibly unsettling, which was probably the appropriate reaction. But by this point of my life, Last House is amateur hour when it comes to sex and violence. I guess after watching A Serbian Film, not much else is ever going to shock you.
Still, the original Last House on the Left is an incredibly well done craft of horror storytelling(the remake ain't half bad either) and is a tent-pole of the Video Nasty period of the 1980s.
The only thing this movie suffers from is that it was one chainsaw short of having a legit chainsaw fight, keeping it from true 
fuck-splosion greatness. Ah well....
Body Count: 6
Best Scene: The Third House on the Right ordered a bunch of pizzas to The Last House on the Left. Boy, were they ever peeved. "What're we gonna do with pizza for 70 people?? Hey, our daughter's been raped. Ask if she wants pizza."
One More Thing: I need the score/soundtrack from this movie. If anyone can help me locate a copy, I'd be eternally grateful.


Yeah. This movie sucks a dick. 30 minutes in and I had no idea what the hell was going on. 30! Minutes! Now I realize that dialogue was really never Craven's strong suit(I can relate), but every line in this movie is embarrassing. So much so that one line in particular made me shut this off and not watch another movie for 4 days. THIS FUCKING PILE OF PIG SHIT ALMOST RUINED 31 DAYS OF HORROR FOR ME. YES I KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS. WHO PUT GUM ON MY CAPS LOCK?
Wanna know how much I care about revisiting My Soul to Take? When changing out DVDs, I sat it on my dresser, and went to grab it's case. The disc proceeded to fall underneath my dresser, where I never bothered to recover it. Not out of laziness, but pure disdain for it's existence.
One day I'll move out of here to a new place, and while cleaning I'll randomly find My Soul To Take, covering in dust and toenails, and I'll remember the anger. Oh yes... I will remember.
Body Count: 4, before I turned it off.
Best Kill: Some asian kid was pushed off a bridge or something who cares.
One More Thing: The scene/dialogue that made me shut this turd off:
Scene - The Woods
Set up - The Reaper(ugh what?) guts the high school jock, asks if he has any last words.
Jock - "Tell my unborn baby I love her."
Jock dies.
Reaper - "Fuck your unborn baby!" 
ARRG! *finds disc, snaps it in half, starts cutting wrist with it*


After I'd almost giving up for the rest of the month because of My Soul To Take, I knew I had to cleanse my pallet with something I knew I'd love.
There's not much more I can say about this that I haven't in previous years, except that if you haven't seen it yet, do so with as little knowledge about the story as possible. It's a perfect Halloween movie without having anything to do with Halloween.
Body Count: 5
Best Scene: This year, I'm going with the burn victim, but only because of how it catches you off guard, and leads to other deaths throughout the film.
One More Thing: If you need anymore reasons to watch this fantastic story, just know that it was written by the great Dan O'Bannon, whose works include Return of the Living Dead and Alien, among others.


This is just about as goofy a movie as I've ever seen. I mean, the original Blob isn't exactly serious, but it does what it can. As a lifelong MSTie and Horror-hound, it makes it easier for me to enjoy this stupid movie as it is. Watch with a group of friends while drinking heavily.
Body Count: 12(plus 1 fly, 1 kitten, 1 dog and possibly a bedroom slipper)
Best Scene: The dialogue between the barber and the dirty hippy had me cracking up: "I don't cut hair, I sculpt hair. Do you want a hair-sculpt?" As the barber proceeds to stick the hippy's head into a sink filled with the Blob. WOMP womp.
One More Thing: Burgess Meredith makes an uncredited appearance as a hobo. "You're a bum, Blob!"


A fantastic slice of fried gold, this alien-invasion-in-the-english-ghetto is better than it sounds, as most descriptions I had read before watching did not do it justice. Just make sure you watch it with subtitles, because this movie has a metric fuck-ton of cockney slang. Give it a watch, bruv.
Body Count: 6
Best Death: Black Turtle gets his throat ripped out by an alien wolf monster thing.
One More Thing: NECA needs to make figures of the creatures ASAP.


I watched this over at a friend's house, and let's just say things got a little hazy during our viewing. I do know that this is perfect to watch with Attack the Block.
The real charm of Deadly Spawn is that it's really a good movie, that's just filmed on the lowest budget imaginable. Not a slam, just pointing it out.
Body Count: 3, but there was probably a few more. I was hazy BIG TIME at this point. There's definitely a few tea party grandma's that are unaccounted for.
Best Death: SOMEONE gets their head bitten-off and their limp body falls out a window in a spectacular fashion.
One More Thing: Going by how The Deadly Spawn ends, if they ever made a direct sequel, it would've been a Godzilla-ish/Kaiju style film. Now that I realize this, I'm pretty bummed it was never made.


I'm gonna admit something right now: I was never a huge Child's Play fan. Nope. Saw the original in grade school, and years later saw part 3 in theaters(with the help of my grandmom as I was too young to buy the ticket), but that was it. Never saw part 2. Only watched Bride of Chucky recently(it was ok) and rewatched Part 3(which did improve with time), so my excitement over "Child's Play 6" was nonexistent.
I couldn't be happier to inform you that Curse blew me away. I expected nothing, and was given everything plus. This is a perfect film for people who've never seen any of the previous films, while still giving a lot to the hardcores. And don't let the still photos you've seen turn you off to the way Chucky looks; 90% of this film, he's still a doll. CGI is used only to clean some things up and nothing more. I'm excited for Curse of Chucky. I hope it does really well and possibly ushers in a new trend in horror filmmaking.
One More Thing: This movie has almost as many endings as a Peter Jackson film. Also: wait through the credits...
Week one is DONE! So far, Beware! The Blob is winning in the body count wars. Next week we'll see if Blobbo can hold onto that title.
Thanks for reading, folks!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

31 Days of Horror: Past Revisited Part 3

Here we conclude our retrospective of the first 5 years of 31 Days of Horror with last year's list, which was the hardest for me to do because of the job I had.
I was working a nightshift as a security guard at a swanky condominium(that was hoarding hot women, I swear). It was a good job(except that management sucked, no shock) and I was pretty much left alone all night. So because of this, most of last year's October movie watching happened in the middle of the night, which isn't easy come 4am.
This year I added a few things to my movie watching, one of which was a running kill count. This got a little confusing, like should I include death during dream sequences? I will be doing the Kill Count again this year.
I also tried having a theme day last year: Part 2uesday(I'm assuming this is self explanatory), which most people thought was pretty clever. I will be continuing that this year.
Let's dive in!
31 Days of Horror 5: 2012
-The Fog
-Final Destination 2
-Scream 2
-Scream 3
-The Boogens
-Don't Go In The House
Last year marked the farthest I traveled for 31 Days of Horror, as my friend Phil and I drove up to North Jersey for a 35mm screening of Don't Go In The House, with the star/killer of the film, Dan Grimaldi(Donny Kohler), doing a Q&A afterwards.
Crystal Plumage Films, who were the North Jersey version of Exhumed Films, hosted the show. I got to ask Dan a lot of good questions, and he signed my copy of Nightmare USA, which he had no idea what he was on the cover. He was pretty excited over this, and despite the book being scarce and expensive, he needed to locate a copy for himself. It was easily one of the best movie-going experiences I've had in a long time.
-Scream 4
-Taste the Blood of Dracula
I will squeeze in more Hammer Horror this year.
-Road Games
-Hatchet 2
-Friday the 13th Part 2
-Wake Wood
-Shadow of he Vampire
These last 2 was a fun double feature, which I'll try to replicate this year with Psycho and Hitchcock, back to back.
Halloween 3: Season of the Witch
-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
-Texas Chainsaw Massacre(2003)
-Dead Heat
-The Uninvited
-An American Werewolf in London
-Saw II
-Saw III
Ah, SAW-fest. Tried to watch all 7 Saw films in one week, which I was not in the mood for. May continue this year.
-Phantasm 2
-Freddy's Nightmares: No More Mr. Nice Guy
-The Mist
-House 2: The 2nd Story
-Dead & Buried
Traditioooooon TRADITION

That's that. See you next time when we start 31 Days of Horror 666 MARK OF THE BEAST, BITCH(we'll miss you jesse pinkman)